Why us or why not us?

Every now and then, for about five minutes, I think why me, why my baby, why us? I don't think like this very often and when I do I only allow myself a maximum of five minutes to think like this. Why you might ask? Every minute I spend thinking like this takes a minute away from doing something constructive to help my daughter.

I often hear parents of kids with autism speak about their lives "before autism" and "after autism". I feel the same way. I think of my life before I lost my child to autism, and after the diagnosis, and now trying to recover her health, while also keeping my sanity.

Before autism I think it's safe to say I was a pretty selfish, and somewhat arrogant, person. Hey, I was a college athlete and now a police officer. I think it comes pretty natural to me. So here I was this pretty selfish person, blessed with this beautiful child, that needed every ounce of my energy and time. She has taught me so much about love, unconditional love. Imagine never hearing your baby say, I love you mommy. It's the most horrible feeling in the world. For so long, she was so sick that I couldn't even get a smile out of her. So now I think the equivalent of hearing a I love you mommy to a typical parent, is seeing a smile on my little girls face that I made happen. She can have bad days and scream and have meltdowns all day, but if I can get just one giggle out of her...it makes it all worth it.

She has taught me patience. This may just be the biggest lesson, since I had none to begin with. This is something I still struggle with some days, but I have learned so much from her. Some days trying to figure out what she is needing seems to take hours but we make it. And trying to figure out how her body works and what she needs takes all the patience in the world. It seems just when I have her figured out, she proves me wrong.

She has taught me perseverance. I will not give up on this child. I know she is in there. I know the Keely that likes to laugh and giggle. The Keely that is not in so much pain that she just wants to scream. The more we do to clean up her body and get it functioning properly, the more of my baby I get back. I will keep going until I find answers, until my baby is healthy.

I attended an autism meeting once and I heard a lady say her kids were recovered. She went on to tell us that when her kids were diagnosed she made a deal with God. She prayed that if he would show her how to recover her kids, she would pass on the message to as many parents that would listen. I thought, wow, that is awesome. I want to be like that lady. So I came home and I climbed into bed with my sleeping little girl and I prayed and cried and prayed and cried some more.

So here I am, learning all these new things about how our bodies work and how to heal my child's gut and watching her behavior change. I am in total amazement of the things I see her do everyday, small changes. We have learned to celebrate every small success. We have been doing the biomedical stuff for a year now, and I still get excited every time a parent asked me about what we do because I can share what all I have learned with them. I hope to one day figure this all out and be like the lady at the meeting and help out every family I possibly can.

If I could go back and protect my child from autism, I would do anything to make that possible. But I am so blessed and so thankful for everything that she continues to teach me everyday. We have the opportunity to spread awareness and share what we have learned, and maybe, just maybe, in the process change another child's life...so why not me...why not us?